Holy Hemispheres!
The Goddess of the North of England and The God of The South of England were arguing over swapping sides in bed.
They lived near the equator. Maybe the heat made them naggy,
The row began like a mild curry, gentle but with heated ingredients. The South English God didn't like the lumpier northern side of the bed but the Northern Goddess wanted a better night’s sleep on the softer south.
“Let’s talk about it tomorrow” they agreed and went to bed and managed to sleep. At 4am, a meteorite whacked The God of The South of England right in the eye. Well! You can imagine the bawtry* reaction! He grumped and growled and spat and deliberately woke up the Goddess simply because that’s what both men and gods do.
The Goddess groaned, "Jesus, it took me eons to drop off tonight and you selfishly drag me out of hard-won slumber! Well, at least it's not an erection creeping up my back, but please don’t stress me, the volcano-acne on my face will burst and drown us both in hot larva!”
This didn't phase The God of The South of England, he was a Southerner after all. They argued and tussled and caused such a rumpus that they broke away from a continental shelf and floated up into what would become Europe, spinning as they went.
When the continental drift was over, they found they had completely inverted themselves! North was now South and South was now North.
So now we have an interesting situation; The God of The South of England became The New God of The North of England and of course, we now have a New Goddess of The South of England. Still with me?
Both were a bit disorientated to say the least. But now, The New God of The North of England was especially grumpy about married life. Instead of their original matrimonial ying-yang coupling, the situation was now a yang-ying, which as any child knows, is disasterous.
As time went on, northern humans (his subjects) reproduced and built dwellings upon his Pennine-scratched face. They erected mills and taverns infecting his weathered skin. All northern male children inherited the God’s misery laden DNA into their left shoulder and arrogant indignation onto their right. So you basically got a lot of cocky northern men who felt they should inherit the earth.
To make matters worse, the south eventually divorced the north (sometime around 1980 - there were rumours she had it off with France, and some say that the Channel Tunnel is the site of their sexual union!).
Anyway. This is why there is still a north / south divide in the United Kingdom.
Oh, and those northern human males, would always feel drawn to the seductive south. Let’s not forget she encouraged France to grow a Eurotunnel. France liked to do it from behind. Just look at any modern map.
What would befall the fates of those ambitious-yet-sensitive-type men who dream of Southern migration… And not just for winter...
I ask you, dear reader, what of them?
====
Notes
According to Mother Shipton (who I am currently channeling), The God of the North of England also represents Scotland in this scripture. I have no information on Wales, Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland.
*Something a Northern Grandma used to say. It means charging around like a china shop, but with a loud northern voice.
No comments:
Post a Comment