Before I worked as a loan shark (I prefer the term debt investor) I had no stomach problems at all. Women liked me but when I started the job it was difficult to be honest about what I did, so, to fend off loneliness, I tried a bizarre speed dating launch in the grounds of a castle just outside Glasgow.
The organisers had constructed a roof round the castle moat and covered it over with fairy lights making a kitsch Tunnel of Love. It was fancy dress, which I normally hate, and not appropriate for a hard bastard like me, but I thought I had chosen a good angry costume, which was that of a blue bottle.
We were all paired up as couples, and I ended up with a sexy Spider Woman, who lived up to her reputation, but let me tell you why it didn't come to fruition. I initially thought this was going to go spectacularly well! She was very forward. We must have looked hilarious. so, on our little rowing boat Spider Woman and Bluebottle were on a date.
But when she asked me what I did for a living, this was the beginning of my gastric problems, for I started to feel very nauseous. This was amplified by the fact I couldn't swim. So I told her I was in investment banking which wasn't a lie, but I felt my lunch bubble in my guts. As we charted our craft around the moat, she was attentive and wonderful as you'd expect, but I was gonna be sick.
And sure enough, I threw up all over the side of the boat. But that's not all. I fell in. And the weight of my costume was dragging me underwater, surrounded by my own vomit. Add to this, this loan shark couldn't swim.
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