The Manatee's Orgasm

The Manatee's Orgasm
Chris Dooks

Oh Dear. A six-hundred and seventy-seven pound female manatee* lodged itself in a swimming pool flume in Sea World, Florida.

This particular flume (a fun twisty tube with running water!) had been nicknamed "ski jump" because it projectile vomited children from it's opening at a sharp angle like a winter olympic sport.

The manatee had swum from it’s compound through a malfunctioning gate to a holding pool. From here, she vaulted over to the children's pool complex, surviving both chlorine and clouds of child pee.

Marine Biologist Dr Edward Piphany claimed the situation arose because this particular manatee had an extremely rare genetic gift- or curse! He claimed our manatee, or "Sea Cow," suffered from "aquaticus perpetuus voluptarius," which roughly means "perpetual orgasm by water."

Sea Cows have advanced sexual organs that can be stimulated by sea kelp forests in warm coastal waters. With the right currents, a manatee's orgasm can easily last up to seventy-two hours. But in some manatees, a rare gene mutation means they risk becoming "locked" in orgasm, spending much of their life burdened by bliss.

Leading biologists have risked personal reputations by stating a thesis- that some manatees actually commit suicide because the pleasure centres of their brains are overloaded by constant sexual ecstasy. Apparently, our manatee intended to throw herself from the 100 ft high flume platform. Dr Piphany claimed that the flume-blockage-by-manatee was in fact a botched suicide attempt.

There was, however, a counter-claim that famously blew up into an argument on US show 60 minutes. Dr Piphany's nemesis, Dr Emma C’Pation stated “the manatee had actually ceased to orgasm, immediately going into cold turkey. Like an addict, the creature had severe cravings, located the nearby flume’s rushing water, and hence made a Herculean break for it.”

Either way, once out of it’s compound, the creature shunted up the fifty eight steps to the ski jump flume- no mean feat for a ball of blubber and flipper- and flopped** into the flume opening to the slack-jawed amazement of children and advancing security staff.

Sea World staff decided they wouldn't saw the flume tube as the vibration and noise would stress the poor creature to death. Instead, at 3.45pm (when manatee sexual hormones are at their lowest), they decided to flush her out by diverting the water supply from all other flumes to the blocked one. Like a champagne cork, the pressure eventually shifted the huge beast, popping her out of the ski jump at an amazing speed, so much so that she crash landed onto the beach, just short of the water, and sadly perished.

There are 19 reported accounts of the flying manatee. Martina Lopez who runs the hot dog stand on the sea front said our manatee groaned “a super-sigh” as she arced over the Florida skyline, smiling her way to a glorious little death on the pebbles and sand.

The body is now preserved by Sea World and is on show in the museum. If you are in the area and fancy a giggle, just listen to how parents explain to children this story, describing "a perpetual aquatic orgasm!" to enquiring minds.

* A manatee is bit like a walrus but with a more aesthetically poignant shape and a veggie diet.

** No Running, No Heavy Petting, No Bellyflops